fight or flight
Today is the day.
How many times i have said that in my life now is abit of a joke. A stroke of reality with anorexia, but so deeply irritating, embarrassing and the loss of hope. Why can't i just 'crack on' as i always say i will? Why don't i act on everything i say?
The truth is i know i don't want to lose all i have had for so long, in my mind atleast. I don't see the point in losing my safety net, the only thing for some reason i think is interesting about me. Over the last seven months (shit me, i thought i'd be long into recovery by now) i have been 'recovering'. I took getting help from services would magically help me and i was automatically recovering. In reality, i've still been lying, restricting, using that restriction to mimic my feelings or punish myself, or simply just live the life i'm so used to, instead of the one i want too.
I've jumped so many hurdles and have kept alot of them up. But always, one at a time. It's almost like, one challenge is always enough, its enough for me, so it should be for everyone else too. Anorexia hates the fact i've made this one step, but its proud i'm holding on to the million others, and hoping that i go back to the challenges i've faced one day. You never actually think you're goanna be free, right? I've found that loads of my 'extreme' habits are slowly deteriorating or i can force myself to ignore the thought and not act upon them. However, its now all the little things that seem so big. Certain foods within food groups, timings, guilt, it all feeling so pointless and endless. I feel alone and pathetic.
I don't want to be remembered for the girl, friend, loved one, who never ate when they went out, never fully let lose, was moody and selfish 24/7, drank to cope with how they feel and just never be there to live in the present.
I want to be fun, i want to do things spontaneously again, i want to be able to eat whatever/whenever, i want to not cause arguments for no reason and never be able to explain why i'm in such a foul mood, i no longer want to be stuck in my own head but have conversations with everyone about anything. I want my period back and have a family of my own one day, i want my friends and family to not have to worry about me, i want to be able to eat without feeling watched or judged, i want to be able to have a flippin snack when someone else isn't and order what i actually want off the menu. I want to be able to live life loving food, cooking and taste, but not have my entire world evolve around it.
Honestly, i feel pathetic for where i am right now. I've made so many false promises to myself and loved ones around me, that i don't believe myself anymore and i doubt they do to. Its not that they're not there for me every step of the way, its just i'm not doing anything to change. All i talk about is wanting change.
So now is the time.
No more 'i'll start tomorrow', 'or there's no point challenging that now' or the feeling that things will magically fall into place one day. Today is the day and tomorrow is a new one to carry on this journey. I will admit, i don't want this chapter to be so focused on recovery 24/7. I want to be able to start living whilst in recovery, so i can see the reasons why i need to do this. I already have changed and can see so many benifits, yet i'm stuck in a rut and not moving forward.
I will be honest, for the next three weeks, i don't have any appointments to be weighed, talk about how i feel or go over my plan, for the first time this year. I have had thoughts to restrict, weigh my food, skip meals etc, however, it no longer goes unnoticed and, truthfully, i can't be arsed going back, even when its tough and i genuinely just don't want to eat.
There are so many more important things happening in my life, and my loved ones around me, and now is the time to be there for them as they have been there for me. I absolutely despise how selfish i am at the moment because of all this, and if that isn't a solid reason to change, i don't know what is.
Can i love with the guilt of eating and let it pass through? Yes.
Can i cope with being selfish and not being there for those i love when they need help and support? No.
Simple as.
So here we are, day one of the last first day of recovery and starting a new life, full of the ordinary and fun, of laughter and tears, of helping others and taking care of myself.
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| (i did the zipwire in Snowdonia earlier this month, i definitely wouldn't have been able t do this and live in the moment doing so had i been so deep in ED) (i was also soo embarrassed and felt vulnerable because of my weight) |
Cheers,
Cerys x
What's your opinion?