how it seemed vs how it felt
Not gonna lie, kinda sat here right now not really knowing what to type after just writing in my journal. I realised that is a pretty cool feeling, as I'm not dwelling on my shitty anorexia thoughts or lifestyle. That shits cool. Like I've done something this morning i have been very nervous for, for a few days, technically a good fear, let me explain.
So, i was going for 'brunch' with a mate, first of all, nervous it was brunch and wasn't at least one of my set times to eat, which of course is a sin. (complete sarcasm there) As much as i joke, it can be very confusing and hard to think about when you know the day is coming up. Also, (a little triggering, mentioning past behaviours) back in the day, i would've restricted from the day i had planned this, however far away it was. I would have planned exactly what i was having and mentally organising my plate, how much i was going to have (or the amount i'd leave tbh), what i would actually 'allow' myself from the dish and set out reminders for the meal and the day. This time round, i was just plain nervous leading up to it, and i think its because i still have all these feelings and thoughts inside me yet i don't act on them, and because of that i now feel like lost. I will admit, I've always been one to do what I'm told, genuinely for an easy life, i hate confrontation and even massive debates, i love listening to them, i just hate tension so much. Therefore, having that much tension inside my own head constantly, i just want to listen to help quieten it down a little and please it, just like i do in real life. Why tf as i write this, am i only just realising all of this?! Either way, its pretty cool!
Back to this morning, i just kinda woke up a little out of it think this was because i'd actually had a very big sleep and i stg, they actually make me more tired than barely any! I was then hit with the realisation of what i was about to do (so mad to even think that is a thought about food like i'm about to do something ground breaking, which to my ED i guess it is) and just kept myself busy getting ready. I was going out with an absolute best mate, who i hadn't seen a while, so i was very excited, and i kinda forgot about the food.
This is where it gets very rambley and probably doesn't make any sense, but, here goes. Might just write my thoughts, so may be triggering.
I had looked at the menu the night before, there was no cals on there, which even though 'i don't pay attention too' it threw my thoughts all over the place, i had to calculate again, but also didn't act on it as 'i don't live by them rules anymore'. So, it was a very 'brunch' menu. First off, i bloody love cereal and was kinda gutted i wasn't having one of my selection today (i know if i really listened to my hunger at this stage i probably would've, so shit to work on) and off the menu the Granola was the closet to it and then one i did actually fancy the most. It was also 'healthy' that appeased my brain, but then the wave how 'cals' came in and the fact that it is something I've feared for so long, which i completely forgot about, because i just haven't had it in so long, I've not allowed myself something i love. Then came the mental calculator, comparing this dish i really wanted, to others that i really didn't fancy as much. It was also the type of food, which is something I've really struggled with, as well as the calculated cals. I then had the wave of remembering i'm going to be in a public place with people around of, of course as soon as i enter the café they're all going to be absolutely fixated on what I'm having and sniggering at my choice of high cals food and are gonna watch me eat every mouthful. Of course, happens every time, doesn't it? When we got to the café, that was genuinely all i fancied, it was hot outside and i didn't want warm food and just wanted to enjoy time with a friend without focusing on the food, i told myself ill chomp away at it regardless and carry on my day. In the blink of an eye it was ordered and that was that. Shit, what have i just done? Am i actually doing this? I also realised, when i mate ordered hers, i had completely sectioned off part of the menu as a complete 'no go'. That was the waffle section, and although they aren't my fave and I've not had one in absolutely forever, there was one with caramelized bananas that really took my fancy. A day on, and i can still remember everything it would come with. That's surely a sign of something you'd like, isn't it? But, i read through that on the menu and just kind of blanked it as i full on 'not a chance' kinda thing, which happens quite abit. I see things that take my fancy, but because I've restricted for so long, and acted upon it, i just don't expect to ever have it, or particularly pine over it anymore. I remember in the earl days of restriction, I'd watch people eat, or stare at food in the cupboards, imagining and crying both inside and out, over the fact i wanted it and to taste what it was like. Now, and for a little while, i don't get that sense anymore. Its almost like I've accepted i cant and I've got no urge or energy to fight to.
This has also made me realise, you really do have to rewire your brain. Because i don't have that craving anymore, of taste and satisfaction, i don't see the point in challenging it. But if i don't, i know anytime i do get that craving, or I'm given something to try, I'll panic and won't have it, or if i do, i'll then want to restrict. And the whole cycle begins again. So, task for this week, have things you know you like and enjoy but are shit scared of, or just don't ever imagine being allowed to eat. Cause truth is, you are allowed, and that will bring you freedom!
Anyway, back to brunch. It came, and i ate it. I'm not 100%, but i kinda get the vibe, and lets be real it makes sense, made it very awkward for mates and family to eat with me, as i either wouldn't eat anything with them, or would pick and micro manage my food, be either zoned, or only talking about food. I did find myself playing with the food a little, naturally going to section of bits i 'can and can't eat' but i kind rolled with it and then picked up any old food on my spoon, not looking and just ate it. However, i did struggle with that, as i still always want to saviour every bit, and analyze my food to see which way of eating it is the best, not wasting the moment i have with it. I also got a big spoon, (imagine a grown adult eating with a big spoon), and that scared the shit outta me. I know i also still struggle with the thought of finishing before someone else and taking a mouthful whilst they aren't, such as they are talking or having a drink. Its almost like i have to mimic what they're doing. This meal was full of fear in my head and loud voices, but i can truthfully say, i let them stay there. I let them have their moment and voice their opinion, but my focus was to listen and talk to my mate i hadn't seen in so long, and that's what i did.
Not only did i go for a fear food and eat it all, i also noticed the difference in me. I could sit and hold a conversation without my mind wondering off or feeling so spaced that any word just sounded like a jumble of letters. I was genuinely interested and cared for everything we were talking about, it sounds so horrible and i hate it of myself, but there was a time, i couldn't feel any empathy or laughter, even for those i loved. That really killed me. I wasn't sat thinking about when or what i was next going to eat, or what i'd have to restrict later on. I wasn't sat thinking about how much better it would be if i had a pint in hand, or how much i desperately needed alcohol. I didn't feel so spaced out or like i was about to collapse at any moment. I could sit on there chair and my bum and legs wouldn't kill from sitting down, or the bruises on my body be sore touching any surface.
I was different. I was alert and was present. I know i still have a way to go until that is normal and the thoughts just aren't there, or at least screaming so flipping loud i have to cancel them out, but its a step i made that I'm so happy and truly made me see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
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| (a happy place) |
Thanks,
Cerys x
What's your opinion?