what if?

 living in fear of not knowing what's going to happen

This is probably the reason i have been stuck in a 'quasi-recovery' cycle hour to hour, day by day, week by week, for the past year. The fear of not knowing what is going to happen. And then everything that comes alongside that thought - the why, the  how and the overriding fear of losing my safety net if everything goes wrong, when its only meant to get better. 

But why do we focus so much on the future and expectations that we really don't know the answer too? Why does it have to be all or nothing, in all aspects of life? I now know that i can chose to go all in with recovery, no matter how much things change and rubbish or confusing life can get, or actually how amazing it can be. It doesn't ALL have to be connected to my ED recovery, and i don't have to use it as the reasoning for things happening, good or bad. I suppose it makes sense, as all the ED rules and lifestyle choices were made from a million thoughts in my head, building and building until it took over my life and mental space for anything else. So it fully makes sense to relate food and the emotions towards it connect to everything in recovery, but it doesn't have to be that way. I can simply eat to get my mind and body back to a healthy state, and in the end, be free from any rules and restrictions by ED bought to me.

Of course, its so much easier said than done. I'm currently debating whether to actually have my snack of an apple, as i'm 'not hungry', its 'getting closer to dinner time, so i may aswell wait out until then' and i'm not '100% sure what i'll eat for the rest of the day' (so you know, don't want that one apple to tip me over the edge and gain a mass amount of weight). However, i would also love to go swimming soon so it'll give me good energy for that, i haven't had an apple in a while so i know i'll enjoy it and i just know deep down that i need to stick to the 'meal plan' in my life right now. I said i would a million times, and i really said the other day when i wrote my last post, that its now or never. 

I am about to get up and have my apple as i type the next part out, keep myself busy whilst doing what i'm scared of to distract myself from the wave of thoughts i know is about to bombard my head.

So, back to 'What If's?'

I realised when making notes for this i now actually have two types of them. I have the negative ones, which have been there the whole time and are constantly at the forefront of my mind, and then the positive ones, which always sit quietly in the back of my mind until i glamorize them in the night, making up a whole new life for myself, to then only go back to the same old rituals in the morning.

I'll just add in the list i wrote down here the other day - 

negative what ifs - 

- what if i keep gaining weight forever?

- what if i fail?

- what if i hate my body even more?

- what will i look like?

- what will be my mind full of if not ED?

- what if i have nothing else to me bar an eating disorder?

- what if i get addicted to something else?

- what if i never get out of this cycle and all this work is for nothing - i may as well be stuck in the safety of ED? or if i get nowhere but stuck in a body i hate?

- what if life just isn't any better?

- what if people like me less and i hate myself?

- what if it all happens so quickly, what did i waste half my life for?

As i read them through again, i know every single on of them questions goes through my mind everyday. But i also think how sad that actually is and half laugh at myself for being such an idiot. What does any of that matter. Genuinely, what does it matter what i look like? Its absolutely fine to have goals in health and fitness, but honestly i don't, other than to shrink my body down. I did at one point have an obsession with 'how and where i gain weight' (a whole topic for another day) but right now, in truth, i just can' be arsed, and know for me its pretty unrealistic. 

What ifs are a normal part of everyone's life. I have so many what ifs, day to day, but none that quite take over my mind like these examples, and that end up dictating my life minute by minute, meal by meal. Its just bloody draining to be honest. 

However, as said before, i also have positive 'What If's'. They are positive as they see recovery in a brighter light, good reasons to keep going and hope for the future. Although they are good, i also believe they are still as strong an obsession as the negative ones. I dwell on these thoughts, and i romanticise them. I overthink them to the point, if they don't happen literally as or when i eat a meal, then what's the point. I point them out to be the end goal, yet in reality i want them to happen everyday, and when they funnily enough don't, i don't see the point in recovery.

These are the 'What If's' i wrote down the other day -

 positive what ifs?

- what if i can finally live life without thinking of food 24/7

- what if i can actually say I've done recovery and tried my hardest - even recovered, finally!

- what if i can have kids one day

- what if i can be trusted again

- what if i can fix broken relationships because of my ED

- what if i can finally do what I've said i want to do for so long

- what if i can live without a meal plan 

I think i can summerise both these categories into the feeling of control. With both of these feelings I'm completely out of control, yet, having these thoughts constantly and not doing anything with them keeps me in control. Having them thoughts there feels so normal and without them i feel lost and empty. So i guess that bring even another 'What If' into my life - What if i could live without these thoughts every minute of every day? That sounds great.

I always told myself, i just need someone to tell me what to do, and I'll do it. But I've technically been told for a whole 8 months, yet i haven't stuck by it. These thoughts and feelings are so strong, the manipulate you and ingrain so much into your brain they feel normal and natural.

I know i need to put in the effort to change these and accept they aren't just going to leave. Its going to take so much time and hard work, but it can happen, realistically, they can weaken. I don't need to listen to the negative ones or romanticise the positive ones. I can try to hear them and let them go on by. As i can't answer these questions, but i can find out. I will also say, to help me do this, i use humour and contradictions. If i get the thought of 'what if i hate my weight and myself', then i tell myself (or actually my ED!), that i can go back to it, I've done it before so why not again. Obviously, my goal is never to do that, however, it that settles the thought, then it works, and hopefully I'll get to the stage i don't have to answer that question. I guess we'll find out in time.

None of us know any answers to the future, so just go head first into it and find out. (technically that way you'll find the answers quicker than you think!)

(a photo from the most freeing holiday ever and the most incredible memories)

Thanks,

Cerys x